barffffffff......................

Last night, the other English teachers, the vice principal, and I went out to eat at a kinda swanky restaurant.
It's specialty is crab, but crab is pretty expensive, and the vp was paying for dinner.
Well, she said she didn't mind, so all the teachers ordered the crab... and so did I.

Now, I was expecting to eat a wonderful piece of crab the way that my mom makes it...
boiled and simmered in a delightfully spicy sauce that makes your mouth water.
(i'm salivating as we speak!)
Oh, it's so delicious!

But, when the waitress put the crab in front of me, I wanted to cry.
It was nothing like my mama's!!!
It wasn't even cooked.
Now, I didn't have a camera to document this terrifying moment, but I'll try my hardest to explain.

This disgusting dish is prepared by drowning a crab in soy sauce and spices for a few weeks.
Once the poor thing is dead and basically pickled, it's ready to serve.
The shell is still brownish in color, and it is cracked in half so all it's guts are spilling out.
Now, I don't see how Koreans see this as appetizing.
Anyways, the shell is cracked in half, the legs are pulled from the body, the meat is a little translucent, with a brownish tint (from the soy sauce), and there's all this orange and yellowish jiggly stuff everywhere.
I can only assume that these are some of it's organs.
It tastes really fishy and it's really salty.
And it's all slimy and wiggly in your mouth.
Dude, I have a hard time eating sashimi, so how I ate this thing, I do not know.
What I do know is that I will never assume all crab is my mom's crab.
And, I will never eat that piece of dung again!
Just thinking about makes me want to do one of those really ugly "i'm gonna barf" coughs.
You know, when you're body heaves forward, you're mouth is open, and your eyes are all red and watery.
Yeah, one of those coughs.

I do those coughs quite a lot.
Just like how that disgusting crab is that restaurant's specialty, throwing up is my disgusting specialty.
It really is.
I can basically throw up on cue.
If I was given a dime for every time I've thrown up in my life, I'd be a hundredaire (did you really think i'd say "millionaire." come, come, now who has actually thrown up 100,000 times? no one. let's be real here. by the way, did i do the math right? damn, i'm a dummy.).
Throwing up is like second nature to me.
I can be like, "Hey, I really like your shoes...* bAAARRfffffffffffff*... oops, sorry about that!"
For real.
It's disgusting, I know.